Table Of Contents
- Funny Quotes
- Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
- “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln
- “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes
- “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
- “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”– Albert Einstein
- “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- “At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”– Ann Landers
- “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”– Anton Chekhov
- “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”– Ashleigh Brilliant
- “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”– Benjamin Franklin
- “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”– Betty White
- “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”– Bill Watterson
- “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder
- “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope
- “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”– Bryan White
- “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”– Charles Wadsworth
- “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”– Charlie Chaplin
- “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”– Rodney Dangerfield
- “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”– Stephen Colbert
- “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”– Thomas A. Edison
- “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”– Walter Matthau
- “Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.”– Woody Allen
- “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”– Cullen Hightower
- “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”– Denis Waitley
- “I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.”– Drake
- “A woman is like a teabag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”– Eleanor Roosevelt
- “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”– George Carlin
- “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”– Groucho Marx
- “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!”
- “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
- Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”
- “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”
- “When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.”– Richard Lewis
- “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”
- “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
- “I hate women because they always know where things are.”– Voltaire
- “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”– Steven Wright
- “I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.”– Si Robertson
- “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”– Rodney Dangerfield
- “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”– Oscar Wilde
- “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”– Norman Wisdom
- “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”– Matt Groening
- “Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.”
- “The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.”– Josh Billings
- “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
- “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”—Mark Twain
- “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
- “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”– Joan Collins
- “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”– Jay Leno
Funny Quotes
life is full of hurdles problemes. We fight it and overcome win it every time. Quotes can not remove problems from your life but can change your mood make you happy. here are some Funny Quotes.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
“At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”
“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”
“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”
“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.”
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.”
“A woman is like a teabag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!”
“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”
“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”
“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.”
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
“I hate women because they always know where things are.”
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
“I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.”
“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”
“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.”
“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.”
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”—Mark Twain
“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
“Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”
“According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”
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